I hate the holidays (Christmas/New Years) and this never-ending wave of depression that's hit me for three years. Sadly, I see this will be an ongoing thing for the future ...
Get used to it. This is the NEW ME.
Yesterday started nice. Spent time with family - even though they can get on my nerves - and had a game night. I didn't play but watched from the side-lines while reading my book. Noticed I hadn't taken my dog out for a walk and promptly did so. She was SO eager for the relief! So, I head to me room where I keep my fanny pack (yes, I own one and LOVE IT!) which has my keys and other stuff for our walks. But my room was dark and when I entered it to head straight the edge of my bed where i keep my FP, I ran right a chair. A chair that was NOT supposed to be there. I've now got a limp because I bruised my toe badly. In any case, I left my room and asked who left the chair in the room. Immediately, I'm bombarded with - "You need to look where you're going". Nice one, right? It's my fault that I walked into my room not expecting the chair there because it's never just been THERE, so I'm in the wrong. I tell you - don't EVER move back home people. To take care of anyone. It'll be the best bitch slap in your face if you do. And here I am - fucking stuck because I'm the idiot that did so. I'm sick of not being appreciated. I understand now why some adults don't want to be bothered and put their parents in a home for old people. I'm tempted! In any case, it turned into an argument which turned into a shouting/screaming match - all directed at me. I was even told to STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME (which I wasn't doing) and to SHUT UP. Yeah, like I'd ever listen the ass-hat person who told me this. Good thing I didn't curse this person out like I wanted to either. I didn't so much as even swear. I just walked away. But I'm telling you - I'M SO FUKING SICK TO DEATH of FAMILY.
You can't have your own thoughts feelings, emotions, etc. And I'm sorry, I'm NEVER again making myself sick by keeping my thoughts, feelings emotions to myself and not expressing my true self. You can FUCK OFF with that! It has given me pause though - in that I cannot do this any longer - live with or near family. First opportunity I get, I'm out of here and will NOT be looking back. And no, I don't feel the least bit guilty for feeling that way and/or voicing it.
Whooo ... that was a load off my chest. And I do tend to keep things like this close to the heart, but FUCK that noise! I need an outlet or else I'll someone - most likely myself.
In other news, I've started reading again - MY ONLY JOY besides the doggie at the moment - and am reading the entire Long/Tall Series by Diana Palmer and all her works. Speaking of - just tried to find a book of here's on Amazon, BN, & Kobo and poof. Nothing! How can "Outsider" not be in digital format? I have the hard cover - in my storage locker - but not this on digital. I had to buy it second- hand from Thriftbooks. OMG - Love them! Bought a bunch of others as well.
Today was my first day back at work after a much needed break/vacation from work. At least nothing there really bothered me. It was the same old/same old. Like I never left. How much longer til retirement????
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